Tears in a Jar pt1

{Here's a little glimpse into my life. I have been trying to write it out for some time now. There's always a reason why I don't. I feel very strongly that this is something I am supposed to do.

My working title is Tears in a Jar so whenever I write that will be the heading.

Feel free to leave comments or thoughts. And thanks for reading.}

Considering this is my third attempt at writing, maybe I'll get it right this time.

Let me start from the beginning...

The year 2004. My husband, John, and I were at church on Sunday morning. During the worship service I felt like God was telling me I was going to write a book. Crazy. I have always enjoyed writing, but to write a book... that was crazy. So I began to study and seek God for direction. I had a few ideas, but I could never get the momentum started.

Little did I know what was in store for me...

And so my journey begins.

It was now April 2005. We had just come home from our annual vacation to Jupiter, Florida. We took my dad this time and decided to make an impromptu trip to Disney. My dad and I had never been, and John hadn't been since he was a kid. We literally ran through the parks. All four parks in two days. So much fun!

In January of that year we had decided to start a family. So you can imagine our excitement finding out we were pregnant so soon. We told everyone. Ten days later, I noticed I was bleeding when I got out of the shower. An ultrasound the next day confirmed I was having a miscarriage. We were so devastated.

I couldn't believe how attached I had gotten to this baby in such a short amount of time. We were not going to give up.

It didn't take long for us to get pregnant again. It was now June 2005. We learned from our previous experience that life was truly a miracle ordained by God. It was also something you must never take for granted. We were so happy. We thanked God everyday and prayed for our baby; asking God to use it for His glory.

Oh the joy that was overflowing on November 03, 2005, when we found out we were having TWINS! Girls. I was so amazed at the awesome power of God. I remember John telling people "two words that are going to change my life forever... twin girls."

John and I labored twenty long weeks on deciding a name. We finally agreed on one boy's name and one girl's name. We were just waiting on the final verdict of the gender. Now we had to come up with another girl's name... This was going to be torture. We actually hashed it out in about three weeks - record time.

The names were important to us. They needed to have strong meaning and significance. We decided on Abigail (a father's joy) Reece (enthusiastic) and Kiersten (anointed) Alexis (protector of mankind). If we could only know how prophetic these names would actually be.

I had been having contractions over Thanksgiving weekend so I decided to call my doctor. It was normal to have Braxton-Hicks contractions this early with twins and I had just spent the last two days on my feet at work.

By November 30, 2005, I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. I was only 23-24 weeks. (For those of you who don't know, 40 weeks is considered full term. I was barely half way.) Because of the contractions I had been having they did an ultrasound. The presenting twin (the one on bottom), Kiersten, had died.

I had what was call Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). It affects a small percentage of identical twins. This happens when the twins share vital blood vessels in the placenta. One twin eventually gets all the nutrients and fluid and the other twin doesn't have enough to survive.

Some people believe that "twin psychology" is at work even in the womb and it is actually the stronger of the twins that gives up her supply so the weaker one has a better chance to survive. If you believe this, as I do, it means that Kiersten was anointed to protect her sister.

Most nights in the hospital were sleepless; but the first was the worst. I don't think I ever stopped praying and begging God for a miracle. I reminded God of all the people He raised from the dead. I talked to Him about how He changed His mind for Abraham and didn't take Isaac and I asked Him to change His mind for me.

I was in my own personal "Garden of Gethsemane". "Not my will but yours, oh Lord." "Take this cup of suffering from me." I knew that God would never leave me or forsake me. I trusted His Divine Providence and Will and I knew he would carry me through this situation whatever the outcome. God understood my pain better than anyone... He lost His only Son.

At 9:15pm on December 03, 2005, Kiersten Alexis was born still measuring 15 ounces and 12 inches. Abigail Reece was born at 9:48pm measuring 11.5 inches and 1 pound 4 ounces. Kiersten had indeed been the bigger twin.

We were so amazed at how tiny they were. It was such a joy to see Abigail kicking and screaming. She even let out a tiny cry. It seemed that both girls were living up to their names.

Abigail was whisked off to the NICU and we spent time with Kiersten. These moments were so bittersweet. We found comfort knowing she was in the arms of Jesus.

Life in the NICU was crazy but short lived. Abigail joined her sister at 3:00am on December 09, 2005. She was a fighter. John and I held her in our arms as her heart was beating its final beats.

Our journey was not over. We knew we were destined to have children so we wasted no time. On March 21, 2006, which was the twins actual due date, I found out I was pregnant again. Oh the Joy that Floods my Soul!

I had my first OB appointment on May 09, 2006. The doctor was having difficulty finding a heartbeat so he sent me in for an ultrasound. Once again, we had lost another baby. We scheduled a D&C on Friday and Sunday was the worst Mother's Day ever.

After that, we decided we had enough heartbreak for a while . We couldn't bear to lose another baby do we decided to wait at least six months before even thinking of trying again.

Apparently God had other plans. You can imagine the look of surprise on my face when I found out I was pregnant in July 2006. I jokingly told people it had to be Immaculate Conception because there was no way this could have happened. Somewhere in the middle of moving and working a fireworks tent 13 hours a day for two weeks (a one hour drive each way I might add) this happened. I don't remember when...

That showed me to never put God in a box. His ways are higher than mine. My due date for this baby was March 31, 2007, just one week behind the twins due date. I was a nervous wreck the whole time.

On Tuesday, March 27, 2007, at 2:55pm John (God is gracious) Caleb (bold) was born - we call him Caleb as he is a fifth generation John. He was a healthy 7 pound 4 ounces measuring 20 inches. That was the happiest day of my life.

Zachary (spiritual) Baxter (tenacious - also my family name) was born at 10:38pm on Sunday, May 10, 2009. The day was also Mother's Day. He was 8 pounds 11.4 ounces and 19 3/4 inches.

Both boys bring me such joy on a daily basis.

I still don't ever really know how to answer the question "How many children do you have?" but I am getting there. One day at a time.