Tears In A Jar - Happy Birthday

So 03 December 2009 would have been my twins' 4th Birthday. It's crazy to think that it has been four years already. But somedays it still feels like it was yesterday.

I am struggling to find the balance between remembering and letting go. Not letting go in the sense of forgetting, but more of a healing. This is a HUGE struggle for me. It seems like just when I think I finally have a grip on things I am tested. And most of the time I fail... sometimes miserably.

To be honest, I hate hearing about people having twins. It irritates me to my core. Especially if I know the person. I always wonder what makes her so special that she can have healthy, full term twins and I can't. There must be something wrong with me. Why her and not me?

It doesn't help that I started having labor contractions Thanksgiving weekend and I had Abigail and Kiersten 3 weeks before Christmas.

I remember that first Christmas... I tried to put on a happy face but I was just going through the motions. I was absolutely NOT in the mood for Christmas but I also knew that it wasn't all about me. I had other family and friends to be with and I didn't want my giref to ruin their otherwise Happy Holidays. So I put on my best happy face and trudged through it. I was barely treading water. I don't know if I was just being overly sensitive or if other people were overcompensating trying to be extra nice to me but I wanted to tear into some people. If I heard someone ask me what I wanted for Christmas one more time....

But I made it through... And I am still making it... One day at a time it seems...

It kind of worked out conveniently the first year for John and I to go cut a Christmas tree on the twins' birthday. That was a nice time and I decided I wanted to make it a tradition.

This year we are in Oklahoma visiting my famliy. The kids and I drove down right after Thanksgiving. So I asked my dad to come with us to cut a tree. Tree Farms in Oklahoma are different from Tree Farms in Michigan. I'm talking different ends of the spectrum. But anyway... we found a tree and Caleb helped cut it down.

One thing that Oklahoma has over Michigan is the weather. It sure was nice tree hunting in the warm sunshine with no snow. Usually in Michigan it is cold and we are trekking through knee deep snow across acres to find the perfect tree.

I'll post pictures when I can get them downloaded.